Everything For Women Over 40

Zoe in pink ball gown

It’s time to Stop Swimming in the “Sea-of-Should”

There are a lot of unspoken rules in our world. We are a society of sheep-fish swimming in a Sea-of- Should that we can’t even see. These “Shoulds” float around us inexorably and invisibly, tainting every breath we take, every decision we make about ourselves and others and every feeling we experience.

One of the major “Shoulds” about women is the unwritten, unspoken rule that if you are female and single there is something wrong. You should be unhappy about your man-less situation. What have you done to scare him away and what can you do to catch him and keep him?

If you are single and female that is pretty bad.

If you are female, single and over 40 there is double reason to be pitied.

If you are single, female, over 40 and childless wow are you a mess!

Stop believing there is something wrong

Much of our unhappiness as women comes from believing the silent cues that float in the Sea-of-Should. We are told by modern psychotherapists: “A woman’s animal instinct is to be part of a group.” We are told by biologists. “A woman’s deepest fear is being alone.”

Go to the movies or to dinner alone and people will studiously look away the same way they try to pretend a person in a wheel chair is not in a wheel chair.

If you live alone it is because you are a reject or a hermit or a witch! If you are considered attractive by society’s standards you must be alone because you are an uncompromising bitch who is too hard to please! You “Should” put up with whatever it takes to be in a relationship according to the “Sea-of-Should.”

The bottom line is that there must be something wrong with you if you are single and female. You have to be depressed about your plight because it is a given that no woman can make herself happy and fulfilled . She must have outside help at all times.

Over 40 and without kids? Gasp! What a tragedy! Your biological clock has long since stopped ticking!
What if it was OK to be female and not want kids? I know, it is almost too shocking to think out loud. But what if you could just go ahead and not want kids and still be human? Just consider it for a moment. I am not saying you have to hate kids or stay away from kids. But what if it was OK to not bear children yourself?

What if the default mode was without-kids?

What if only a few people who really wanted to dedicate their whole lives to raising kids properly did that? What if you could nurture people in your community in other ways through volunteering, teaching, or starting a school or organization that nurtured people?

Once you start to and notice the “Sea-of- Should” floating around you and through you it becomes clear that your unhappiness is contrived. You and the society you are part of conspire to create unhappiness that is completely unnecessary.

Choosing to be alone versus compromising your values to be a couple…

I am not saying that you have to be alone forever or that dating and marriage is wrong for everyone but that we should have the choice to be alone if that suites us. Why should being part of a couple be the default mode for women while being single is the default mode for men?

Stop being so darn accepting in order to date!

Women spend a lot of time and energy being accepting and open minded towards men who do not share the same values and beliefs they do in order to simply have a boyfriend. What if you were allowed to really wait until you were really ready? What if you were allowed to be uncompromising about your top 10 values and have it be OK to be single for now?

Don’t throw out the friends with the bath water

but don’t accept the unacceptable

I am not saying not to hang around with friends who have different values but don’t allow them to become boyfriends. If one of your main values is not a priority for a man this will come up constantly in a relationship. Unless you want to perpetuate the modern trend of -lots of short term relationships that do not work- why not be happy on your own for a while?

If you meet an attractive guy who is funny and smart that you get along with, don’t jump into bed right away; wait to see his true colors. I don’t mean to be retro but why is everyone in such a rush to have sex in this “Sea-of-Should”

He might not be a great life partner if he does not share your top values

Is he into hunting and eating meat while you are a yogi-vegan?

Is he constantly blaming things outside himself when you are focused on taking responsibility for your own life?

Is he a right wing militarist while you are a left wing pacifist?

Does he drive a hummer while you are into sustainable living and getting rid of attachments?

Does he value environmental concerns and hiking religiously while your favorite activity is to go to the mall and park as close to the door as possible?

These sound like comical matches but this happens all the time. Women will accept things that they know are unacceptable in a love just to have a lover.

Sure, opposites attract, but how ludicrously opposite do we have to be to become aroused?

The most common compromise of all gets its own section:

Is he looking for a sex buddy while you are looking for a long term relationship?

Chances are if he does not want to wait to get to know you before having sex he is not worth having sex with in the first place. Women constantly try to have relationships with men they would not want to be friends with. We fear that if we wait the amount of time that is comfortable for us he will have moved on so we force ourselves to have sex too soon and it turns it into just casual sex with a stranger.

Is this better than being alone?

Women have helped erode our own values by giving in to peer-pressure. Forget the three date rule or three month rule or whatever this week’s Cosmo says it right. Throw out the rules and truly go with your gut. If he can’t stand to talk to you and do things with you without having sex for a while than forget him and move on. This one is looking for a quick fix and not a relationship and it is best to let him go or just be friends.

I know this is not easy when the “Sea-of-Should” is all around you… But you will grow so strong and amazing and beautiful inside and out that the right people will be drawn to that rare, unique integrity that you will have grown within yourself.

Being whole and complete by yourself

What if you promised yourself you would have fun with your friends but not give up your top values to be in a relationship no matter how long it takes to find someone who is a mature person and a good fit for you? What if you could enjoy being with yourself and by yourself and feel complete and whole being single? What if you took the time to find out what you like and want? What is your passion and your bliss?

Creating community in your single life

Meetup.com
Many types of groups in your local area where ever you are in the USA

Agape international
Michael Beckwith, the founder of Agape spiritual Center was one of the teachers in the movie The Secret

Sisterwoman.com
Check out my profile or create your own on this fun feminine version of my space

Journeywoman.com
Travel for women over 40

Sierra Club
Outdoor trips, hiking, nature preservation, trial maintenance and more

Home work:

Write down your top 10 values that must be present for a person to cross over the line from friend to lover in your life: